Way back in January of 2010 when Ashleigh was just born, the nurses told us to bring a disposable camera to the NICU so they could take pictures of her when we weren’t there. The camera was full around March or so of that year. I took it home with me and it sat in my car for over 2 years until last week. I really didn’t want to get it developed but figured it was time to see what was on there.
I was rather disappointed with the turnout. Most were blurry and not really worth posting on here but I was able to pick out 4 that would be okay.
Ashleigh Ryon Whitlock
1.21.10 – 5.4.10
Gone, but not forgotten
It was one year ago today that we found out we were going to be blessed with our third child, Grayson.
It was one year ago that we finally broke Zoe of her bottle habit.
But, it was two years ago today, that Stephanie and I were blessed with our second child.
You would have been two
A celebration today
Gone, never forgotten
Happy Birthday, Ashleigh! I’m sure we would have taken you to the Stock Show to see the cows, pigs, and goats. I’m sure you would have blown out a few candles and destroyed some cake.
I would love to give you kiss.
Instead, I shall lift up my eyes to the hills.
So, this morning we’re off to take Zoe to Little Gym. I don’t think she cares that much for it. The only part she really likes is at the end, when they bring out the balls. She loves “making baskets”. After that, we gotta make a run out to Azle to look at Ashleigh’s headstone before they deliver it to the cemetery. After that, clean up the house a bit and work on the slide show for church.
Yesterday’s route (just under 2 miles):
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Oh, and I’ll post some pictures of the peppers I picked yesterday. Finally, have something come in from the garden again.
What does one talk about after nearly a 4 month hiatus from blogging?
I’m not sure really. I don’t know if I really want to talk about it, but I guess for that sake of things I probably should. The last thing I posted was a simple photo of Zoe sitting on her slide in the the back yard. That was March. Our other daughter, Ashleigh, passed away on May 4th.
Only 104 days after being born, she went to be with her Lord and Savior. Dr Sidebottom, the director of the NICU was on call that night, said that the way things went down that night it was the equivalent of an adult having a heart attack. She had hit the four pound mark in April and was nearing five quickly. She had been off the ventilator for several weeks breathing on her own with just a nasal cannula. Stephanie and I are very thankful that she passed away in the care of trained professionals because if it had happened after we brought her home, neither one of us would have been able to forgive the other. Ashleigh’s funeral was very pretty and peaceful, with a few Chaplains from the hospital we grew to call friends, and a handful of Ashleigh’s nurses showing up.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t replay everything that happened that night. It sucks. Parents should never have to bury the children. Stephanie and I are 27 and have our burial plots. Something else we should not have at this age.
I’ll tell you one thing, if neither of us had God in our lives, I truly think we would be worse off.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
So as the sun rises and sets, we continue to walk in faith and put everything in God’s hands. I love you Ashleigh.
This too shall pass.
The ring no longer fits on her arm!!
Ashleigh was breathing to much on the oscillator machine(seen behind the new blue one) and was upgraded to a ventilator that lets her do her own breathing, and only steps in when she stop takes breaths. It’ll give 30 breaths a minute if she stops. Stephanie and I were so excited with this progress.
Today almost felt normal. I was able to pull weeds and turn dirt in a few of the boxes in the garden. I was also able to plant the onions I bought almost two weeks ago. I had put on wool socks, a beanie, gloves, and my rain jacket just to keep warm though. We had a cold front come though yesterday or so and we were in the 40′s today. It feels like winter again.
It also felt half normal as we didn’t make the second trip to the hospital for the day. Stephanie and I just kind of sat on the couch with Zoe and watched a few movies. It felt good to have a bit of normalcy in the house. Though now I feel horrible that I didn’t say goodnight to Ashleigh. This past week we have made a point to go to the hospital twice a day, usually sometime early in the afternoon and then after 8pm. I know that me going up there doesn’t do much good (or does it?), but it just eases my mind knowing she is okay. We have the direct line to the NICU if we wanted to just call and check on her, but doing it in person is much better.
Stephanie and I have both grown to like one of the night nurses, Ashli, and a few of the day nurses. Yesterday we were able to speak to the Neonatologist about the PDA. It got smaller. It’s now 2mm, which is very small, but not good enough. So he started the second round of Indocin treatment. The last dose was given around 8pm tonight. Tomorrow, Ashleigh will begin feedings again. Monday will bring another Echocardiogram to see if the PDA has fully closed. Lets hope it does, as the next step is surgery.
I also found time to crochet a cute little hat for Ashleigh. I’m not sure how long she’ll be able to wear it though. I’m hoping she grows fairly quickly.
This week has been exhausting.
A roller coaster of emotions. Finding out Ashleigh’s left lung collapsed, then it later reopened. Finding out she finally pooped, then learning they took her food away because she has a PDA and the medicine given will take away blood from the gut area.
Two trips to the hospital daily. Sometimes with just a 10/15 minute visit with Ashleigh because we’ve had both sets of grand-parents that also want to see her. We do what we gotta do.
I think next week will be a little bit better. We both will return to work and hopefully we can keep our minds occupied with other things and have some kind of normalcy. Zoe will be back on some kind of routine too.
Right now I’m sitting in the waiting room at Stephanie’s ob/gyn. She is get her post op update today. We’ve been here an hour already and she is getting ansy.
Ok. We finally made it to an exam room.
I’m kind of glad I haven’t been writing on every little thing that happens down in the NICU. There is something new and different every day.
Maybe I’ll write more later.